i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
