The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
