my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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