i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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