i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
