I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
