Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
