If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
