I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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