You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
