Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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