Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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