I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
