Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
