Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
