but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
