You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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