We named our party play list daddy issues
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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