If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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