i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
