I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
