I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
