you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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