I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
