I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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