Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
