dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
