i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
