beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
