my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
