ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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