I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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