Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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