I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
