No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
