Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
