cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
