I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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