It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
