smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
