I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
