My friends, they love my intelligence
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
