The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
