He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
