I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
