Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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