The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
