From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
