I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
