Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
