i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They left me at home... I'm a liability
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
