I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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